33 Weeks!

Each day simultaneously feels like it is creeping and flying.  The ripping pain in my sides, constant thirst, and all-night hourly pee breaks, coupled with Alexa’s all-night, night-terror Mommy comfort needs, is making for long, long nights.  Yet my days quickly swirl out of control as I run circles in panic mode finding myself at the end of the day stunned as to where the time goes.  Still, somehow, I manage to feel completely unproductive at the end of the day.  Ok, B-r-e-a-t-h-e Alyssa… well, that would be easier if I wasn’t battling a bad cold complete with achy muscles, sore throat and headache.

Truth is, the pregnancy itself is probably physically easier than it was when I was pregnant with Alexa.  Although my sides feel like they are going to rip open with pain so strong it’s left me in tears, I’m not swollen, I’ve only gained 25 lbs so far, my back pain is not as severe as before, and I am having no problems with carpal tunnel like I did before.  What is making this pregnancy feel more difficult is the exhaustion associated with parenting a head strong toddler who constantly tests my limits and worse, I’m parenting her alone.  George has been separated from us for about 17 days now.  Thankfully he will be home at the end of this week, but only for 10 days.  Then he’s off to Spain again.

Honestly though, my emotions are the biggest killer right now.  Pregnancy hormones, lack of sleep, and end of pregnancy exhaustion/pain, has left this normally extremely patient, conscious mother intolerant, edgy and irritated.  And the guilt associated with my lack of patience with Alexa is unbearable.  I’ve shed many tears as of late.  What’s eating away at me most is my normally good sleeper has developed night terrors and is consistently taking an hour and a half or more to go to sleep each night and insisting that I lay with her until she falls asleep.  And this is after we spend an hour taking a bath, brushing teeth, getting ready for bed, and reading a few books.  The entire process is exhausting!  After this long dramatic going to sleep routine, I can expect to be woken up not once but sometimes twice during the night as she cries for me wanting me to lay down with her again and again to help her fall back asleep.  As you can imagine, this gets more and more difficult the more uncomfortable I become in this pregnancy.  As I lay in her bed with her night after night, visions of me trying to get Alexa to sleep for hours while trying to take care of a newborn simultaneously while George is gone traveling swarm my head and my impatience with Alexa grows.  Lately, after hours and still she is awake, talking and begging me not to leave her, I end up raising my voice at her, becoming very stern insisting she stop dottling and go to sleep.  It is a fight that breaks my heart to engage in with her.  But what am I to do?  The new baby is coming soon.  I’m running out of time!!  But here’s the real question…running out of time in what respect?  Am I running out of time because I feel I have to push Alexa to be independent, to face her fears to go to sleep on her own again and I only have 6 weeks or less to do it in OR am I running out of my time with my precious Alexa because soon she will be too grown up to ever want to snuggle with me again?  My sweet, beautiful, caring child wants to snuggle with me at night.  How can I get angry with her for that?  Even if it takes 5 hours to get her to sleep each night, I should cherish these moments.  Tears flow again.  I feel like such a horrible, ungrateful mother.  Some day soon I’m going to miss these moments and sadly I am afraid that day might be coming all too soon.  This baby is coming in 6 to 7 weeks.  Am I ready for this?  I miss my little Alexa already…