33 Weeks, 3 Days

33 Weeks!

Each day simultaneously feels like it is creeping and flying.  The ripping pain in my sides, constant thirst, and all-night hourly pee breaks, coupled with Alexa’s all-night, night-terror Mommy comfort needs, is making for long, long nights.  Yet my days quickly swirl out of control as I run circles in panic mode finding myself at the end of the day stunned as to where the time goes.  Still, somehow, I manage to feel completely unproductive at the end of the day.  Ok, B-r-e-a-t-h-e Alyssa… well, that would be easier if I wasn’t battling a bad cold complete with achy muscles, sore throat and headache.

Truth is, the pregnancy itself is probably physically easier than it was when I was pregnant with Alexa.  Although my sides feel like they are going to rip open with pain so strong it’s left me in tears, I’m not swollen, I’ve only gained 25 lbs so far, my back pain is not as severe as before, and I am having no problems with carpal tunnel like I did before.  What is making this pregnancy feel more difficult is the exhaustion associated with parenting a head strong toddler who constantly tests my limits and worse, I’m parenting her alone.  George has been separated from us for about 17 days now.  Thankfully he will be home at the end of this week, but only for 10 days.  Then he’s off to Spain again.

Honestly though, my emotions are the biggest killer right now.  Pregnancy hormones, lack of sleep, and end of pregnancy exhaustion/pain, has left this normally extremely patient, conscious mother intolerant, edgy and irritated.  And the guilt associated with my lack of patience with Alexa is unbearable.  I’ve shed many tears as of late.  What’s eating away at me most is my normally good sleeper has developed night terrors and is consistently taking an hour and a half or more to go to sleep each night and insisting that I lay with her until she falls asleep.  And this is after we spend an hour taking a bath, brushing teeth, getting ready for bed, and reading a few books.  The entire process is exhausting!  After this long dramatic going to sleep routine, I can expect to be woken up not once but sometimes twice during the night as she cries for me wanting me to lay down with her again and again to help her fall back asleep.  As you can imagine, this gets more and more difficult the more uncomfortable I become in this pregnancy.  As I lay in her bed with her night after night, visions of me trying to get Alexa to sleep for hours while trying to take care of a newborn simultaneously while George is gone traveling swarm my head and my impatience with Alexa grows.  Lately, after hours and still she is awake, talking and begging me not to leave her, I end up raising my voice at her, becoming very stern insisting she stop dottling and go to sleep.  It is a fight that breaks my heart to engage in with her.  But what am I to do?  The new baby is coming soon.  I’m running out of time!!  But here’s the real question…running out of time in what respect?  Am I running out of time because I feel I have to push Alexa to be independent, to face her fears to go to sleep on her own again and I only have 6 weeks or less to do it in OR am I running out of my time with my precious Alexa because soon she will be too grown up to ever want to snuggle with me again?  My sweet, beautiful, caring child wants to snuggle with me at night.  How can I get angry with her for that?  Even if it takes 5 hours to get her to sleep each night, I should cherish these moments.  Tears flow again.  I feel like such a horrible, ungrateful mother.  Some day soon I’m going to miss these moments and sadly I am afraid that day might be coming all too soon.  This baby is coming in 6 to 7 weeks.  Am I ready for this?  I miss my little Alexa already…

31 Weeks, 4 Days

I'm getting super big really fast and carrying really, really high.  My upper ribs are bruised from the inside, I'm sure of it.  Things are good.  Really good.  Really fucking busy too.  Honestly, even though I have so much to share as of late, I can't write any more than this.  I'm too tired.  Must shut down the computer.  Must sleep.  Just know, I feel good, Alexa feels good, baby feels good, we miss G and it's been an insanely productive week.

Weird angle, but you get the point - bigger and bigger from one week to the next...

30 Weeks, 4 Days

Getting bigger...

29 Weeks, 2 Days

George has been the biggest sweetheart since his return from his last yacht charter voyage.  Such a nice change.  Not that he was a jerk before or anything, just distant, withdrawn, unaware of the baby growing in my belly other than the fact that I am getting fat and ridiculous looking.  I think he realized while he was gone this last time, the little time he has left with Alexa and I before we are separated again for another 3+ weeks.  In between work obligations, he is really making an effort to spend quality time with us.  It is so nice and I am grateful for his effort and this time we have together.

Alexa and Daddy G have both reached out these last few days rubbing and hugging my belly and talking to the little angel inside.  Alexa is so sweet, when she sees my naked belly she hugs and rubs my belly, then says, “Your belly is getting big Mama.”  A much nicer approach than what her Daddy has done in the past giving me a disgusted look and saying “You are getting reeeaaally big!”  Ouch!  Alexa knows the baby will arrive in November and she tells me almost every day how excited she is to help take care of her little sibling.  She is going to be a great big sister.

Physically, I am trying to watch my weight like crazy and still I seem to be gaining a bit too much weight these days too fast.  One morning I get on the scale and I weigh 138 lbs.  the very next morning I weigh myself and I weigh 140 lbs!  What?!?! How the crap can I gain 2 lbs in a day?!?!?  As you can tell, when I say I am watching my weight, I mean literally watching it on the scale… not actually changing my diet a whole heck of a lot to quash the rapid weight gains.  Each day that I have that extra bread or half a block of cheese or ice cream or chocolate, I say out loud, “this is the last time I can do this, otherwise, I will not be happy when it comes time to try to loose the weight after baby.”  However, cravings are stronger than my willpower, so ice cream, chocolate and half blocks of cheese seem to sneak in a few times a week none-the-less.

As I mentioned in my last blog, I cut out the protein shakes, but my stomach cramps have remained.  I fear the baby is just squishing my intestines meaning I am doomed to suffer from these horrible intestinal cramps 4 to 6 times a day condemned to probably get even worse throughout the remainder of the pregnancy regardless of what I consume.  Not fun.  So, last night I resumed the protein shakes.  What the hell… they are organic protein shakes with organic soy or organic almond milk, so it’s not like they are all that bad.  And I am honestly concerned about my protein intake this time.

I don’t have a big appetite for some reason this pregnancy and when I do get ravenous, I eat a small amount and then feel like I’m going to either vomit or explode.  Like yesterday in Antibes, for example, after the owners at the French veggie restaurant were less than welcome to us, we decided to eat lunch at a Thai restaurant.  I ordered summer roles, tom yum lemon grass soup and vegetable green curry.  Well, I ate my small bowl of tom yum soup first then one of the three summer roles and I was engorged!  Still I managed to squeeze down a few bites of the vegetable curry and after, some chocolate ice cream.  Then later, after painfully waddling around for the rest of the afternoon, I couldn’t even imagine eating a proper dinner.  Hence, the protein shake last night.  The protein shake was my dinner.  Oh, and a couple slices of full fat cheddar cheese (correction, almost half a block).  I really need to get a hold of this cheese and ice cream problem of mine.  Here’s some pictures of the last two days… enjoy!